I haven’t posted in quite some time. Life has been busy. And painful. I work all day and then come home with a huge to-do list and I either keep busy til I go to sleep or I face-plant onto my bed when I get home and that’s the end of my day. I’ve been dealing with some major lethargy lately as well as horrible pain and cramping in my joints and muscles, and sporadic chest pains/palpitations. I ended up in the ER on Friday night just to get myself checked out, while I still have charity care. I voted for Obama for many reasons(he’s not perfect but he was the better president for me and my loved ones for both terms. Let’s face it, he’s still not George W. Bush. Hate him all you want, I don’t think you could do a better job!) and one of them being this Affordable Care Act shit. Well, it’s not. I was paying almost $400 a month through Horizon on my own last year and it lapsed because I just couldn’t afford it. There aren’t that many cheaper alternatives now. Headache after headache. And I don’t have much time left to find affordable insurance and save the money for it before the final date arrives and then I’m stuck paying a fee that’s just as high. So pissed. Anyway, so here I am, alone, in the ER. I’m scared. I’m in pain. I’m stressed. I’m sad. And, as childish as this may sound, as I’m perusing FB I see that my mother has tagged my ex best friend and her mother(2 people who just disgust me beyond belief) in a picture. I get snarky in my comments, of course. Why are they engaging someone I hate? Well, enter my 18 year old sister(we are 12 years apart. I don’t know about you, but it’s something that’s always been hard to deal with. Add to that the fact that we are both complete opposites, it’s a wonder we haven’t killed each other yet!). She just knows the buttons to push. She has no life. No job. No money. Not many friends. No life whatsoever but sleep all day, up all night on Xbox live with her fake friends, sitting in her underwear. She’s disgusting. My mother isn’t working either. It’s frustrating. Yes, I’m almost 31 and living at home. I have a lot of debt accrued since I turned 18, but I work my ASS off, I am now a business owner and a freelancer for a magazine. I made a name for myself. While I do have some enemies(mainly because people just really don’t like to hear the truth), I have many friends who love me for who I am and support me entirely. You google my name and good things pop up. I’m a persona. I’m talented, I’m smart, I’m fucking amazing. But my weakness is my self-doubt, my lack of confidence and all of the feelings that I hold inside and don’t let out. I’ve tried to kill myself or hurt myself on many occasions because I have let other people get me down or make me feel like I’m nothing. Sometimes the world was too much to take, but I don’t REALLY want to die(which is why I’m still here and they have been UNsuccessful attempts). Anyway, my dearest sister just knows the buttons to push and what to say to make me fall apart or to make me flip out. And I WILL go psycho on my family. So off she goes. And there I am in the ER, hysterically crying with no tissues, apart from the machines because the nurse left me to pee in a cup and never came back to check on me and re-hook me. I’ve been ignoring her ever since, mad that I even let myself engage her in a fight on FB(all comments which I deleted). She’s so petty that she came in here to take her keyboard away(Don’t get me started on THAT! I have been playing piano since I was 7, took many MANY years of lessons. My mother gave away my keyboard without asking and I was forced to leave my piano behind when we lost our house. But my sister, who hasn’t had any lessons or any desire or discipline in playing, gets a keyboard for her birthday or Christmas. She never plays it, but I do. But she’s a bitch so she took it back. So I was just as petty and went in her room and took back my big walking dead comic book she’s had for well over a year. This bitch has taken many of my things over the years, without asking, and destroyed most of what she has touched. Ugh. Can I please be an only child again?!) Anyway, my mom was a very strict parent to me and with my sister, not so much. Somehow, along the way, she stopped being a parent to her(lost complete control over her as a parent LONG ago) and became her BFF. So I always feel like they are ganging up on me. And my sister “speaks” for my mom all the time but my mom will be nice to me, so I really feel like my sister just doesn’t know shit and tries to act all big and bad and smart and mature when she really isn’t. And me, the full grow adult, LETS her and reacts to her in the most childish way a 31 year old woman can act. It really pisses me off. I think I would just feel SO SO SO much better if I can punch her really hard in the face a few time. Give her a black and swollen eye, make her nose bleed, give her a swollen and bloody lip, Maybe even knock a tooth out. I think that would make me feel SO much better. I’m not a violent person. I always knock people down with my words, not with physical violence, but sometimes I feel like all of the aggression I have inside for certain people would be better dealt with being released onto said people.
Sorry for not writing for awhile and then coming back with a little whiny, bitch post. I just had to get it out there.