It’s Been Awhile…

…3 years, to be precise. I’ll admit, I sometimes start projects, have these big ideas, and let them fall by the wayside. I’m glad I didn’t delete this blog completely, though. I’ve been focusing on my career and the magazine I was volunteering for. But lately, I’ve been going through some things. I’ve been using music and other people’s words to get me through my days, knowing that I need to go to therapy to deal with some things. But one of the best things I can do for myself, is to write. I’ve always been able to express myself better through my written word and it always helps me to sort out my feelings. And let’s face it, I know I feel better when I read something written by somebody else and I think, “Shit. I could have written that myself!” because it so accurately captures my own thoughts and feelings. So if I can help someone else, through my writing, then that is a “win” in my book. I don’t have many followers here and I don’t anticipate gaining much more, but I am thankful to those that did read something of mine and felt that what I wrote was worthy of their time and I apologize for being MIA these past 3 years, but I’m ready to get back on the horse…

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Sibling Rivalry

I haven’t posted in quite some time. Life has been busy. And painful. I work all day and then come home with a huge to-do list and I either keep busy til I go to sleep or I face-plant onto my bed when I get home and that’s the end of my day. I’ve been dealing with some major lethargy lately as well as horrible pain and cramping in my joints and muscles, and sporadic chest pains/palpitations. I ended up in the ER on Friday night just to get myself checked out, while I still have charity care. I voted for Obama for many reasons(he’s not perfect but he was the better president for me and my loved ones for both terms. Let’s face it, he’s still not George W. Bush. Hate him all you want, I don’t think you could do a better job!) and one of them being this Affordable Care Act shit. Well, it’s not. I was paying almost $400 a month through Horizon on my own last year and it lapsed because I just couldn’t afford it. There aren’t that many cheaper alternatives now. Headache after headache. And I don’t have much time left to find affordable insurance and save the money for it before the final date arrives and then I’m stuck paying a fee that’s just as high. So pissed. Anyway, so here I am, alone, in the ER. I’m scared. I’m in pain. I’m stressed. I’m sad. And, as childish as this may sound, as I’m perusing FB I see that my mother has tagged my ex best friend and her mother(2 people who just disgust me beyond belief) in a picture. I get snarky in my comments, of course. Why are they engaging someone I hate? Well, enter my 18 year old sister(we are 12 years apart. I don’t know about you, but it’s something that’s always been hard to deal with. Add to that the fact that we are both complete opposites, it’s a wonder we haven’t killed each other yet!). She just knows the buttons to push. She has no life. No job. No money. Not many friends. No life whatsoever but sleep all day, up all night on Xbox live with her fake friends, sitting in her underwear. She’s disgusting. My mother isn’t working either. It’s frustrating. Yes, I’m almost 31 and living at home. I have a lot of debt accrued since I turned 18, but I work my ASS off, I am now a business owner and a freelancer for a magazine. I made a name for myself. While I do have some enemies(mainly because people just really don’t like to hear the truth), I have many friends who love me for who I am and support me entirely. You google my name and good things pop up. I’m a persona. I’m talented, I’m smart, I’m fucking amazing. But my weakness is my self-doubt, my lack of confidence and all of the feelings that I hold inside and don’t let out. I’ve tried to kill myself or hurt myself on many occasions because I have let other people get me down or make me feel like I’m nothing. Sometimes the world was too much to take, but I don’t REALLY want to die(which is why I’m still here and they have been UNsuccessful attempts). Anyway, my dearest sister just knows the buttons to push and what to say to make me fall apart or to make me flip out. And I WILL go psycho on my family. So off she goes. And there I am in the ER, hysterically crying with no tissues, apart from the machines because the nurse left me to pee in a cup and never came back to check on me and re-hook me. I’ve been ignoring her ever since, mad that I even let myself engage her in a fight on FB(all comments which I deleted). She’s so petty that she came in here to take her keyboard away(Don’t get me started on THAT! I have been playing piano since I was 7, took many MANY years of lessons. My mother gave away my keyboard without asking and I was forced to leave my piano behind when we lost our house. But my sister, who hasn’t had any lessons or any desire or discipline in playing, gets a keyboard for her birthday or Christmas. She never plays it, but I do. But she’s a bitch so she took it back. So I was just as petty and went in her room and took back my big walking dead comic book she’s had for well over a year. This bitch has taken many of my things over the years, without asking, and destroyed most of what she has touched. Ugh. Can I please be an only child again?!) Anyway, my mom was a very strict parent to me and with my sister, not so much. Somehow, along the way, she stopped being a parent to her(lost complete control over her as a parent LONG ago) and became her BFF. So I always feel like they are ganging up on me. And my sister “speaks” for my mom all the time but my mom will be nice to me, so I really feel like my sister just doesn’t know shit and tries to act all big and bad and smart and mature when she really isn’t. And me, the full grow adult, LETS her and reacts to her in the most childish way a 31 year old woman can act. It really pisses me off. I think I would just feel SO SO SO much better if I can punch her really hard in the face a few time. Give her a black and swollen eye, make her nose bleed, give her a swollen and bloody lip, Maybe even knock a tooth out. I think that would make me feel SO much better. I’m not a violent person. I always knock people down with my words, not with physical violence, but sometimes I feel like all of the aggression I have inside for certain people would be better dealt with being released onto said people.

 

Sorry for not writing for awhile and then coming back with a little whiny, bitch post. I just had to get it out there.

 

Woosaaaaa!

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Crazy week

I have so much I want to write about, but it was just a crazy week. Every day after work, I had to be somewhere, plus get some work done and get a good night’s sleep so that I could do it all over again the next day. Friday night and Saturday were basically lazy days and today I just was crazed trying to get everything done for the new week. One day, ONE day I will be organized with everything! In other news, I am FINALLY starting my own business, first by obtaining the LLC, but once that is done, it’s created! I am so nervous and excited! I will share more about that too. I’m taking a few free online courses as well as trying to get financial aid to go back to school for business management. This chick is a busy bee!

 

Later, gators!

~A

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Suicide and Depression

Are two things I know a lot about from my studies, from experience… it’s actually a big reason why I started this anonymous, personal blog. Not to sit here and whine and complain about my life, my woes. Not in the hopes of getting any sympathy whatsoever from whomever may read this. But as a sort of therapy to myself. Writing is therapeutic. Writing in a journal that I only I can see is great, but writing in a journal that anyone can see, is better. Why? Because I can connect with strangers who may feel the same way, who have gone through the same experiences. One can finally connect with someone who UNDERSTANDS.

I have every intention of getting more into detail about my history with suicide and depression, but I’ve just been way too tired since I’ve started this blog. I think it’s Epstein Barr paying me a visit again. I can barely make it through the work day without falling asleep. And I work with children. That’s just not an option!

I made the mistake of subscribing to Thought Catalog, which I love, but they send me a new blog update email every couple of minutes. After I post this, I am going to change those settings, but I took advantage of having all this writing hand delivered to me and kept the links to the ones that looked interesting. This is my reading for the evening. I just read this one and wouldn’t you know, I could UNDERSTAND it, I could feel what the author was feeling(in a generic sense). And this, my friends, is one of the beauties of this online community of bloggers and writers.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/diana-spencer/2014/01/what-happens-when-your-mother-is-suicidal/

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Manic Monday 1/6/14

Monday. No matter how lazy my weekend, I am never prepared for how crazy my Mondays can be or how tired I am. I was ready for bed the minute I walked in the door at 6pm this evening. I needed a nap. But I had things to do! Things for work. Blogs to write! A new episode of Teen Wolf on at 10(I am aware that I am 30 years old. Guilty pleasure, among others. Shut up)! So at 8pm, I decide “Hey, I should take a nap.” and set my alarm for 9pm and asked my mother(yes, I also still live at home! Keep judging me, bitches!) to come in and wake me up if I didn’t wake up on my own. Which I did not. And she also did not wake me until 10:15. So there’s that. It’s not after 12 and I’m wide awake, watching Teen Wolf and blogging. I have to be up at 6am. And it’s supposed to be so cold tomorrow that some schools in the state are either closed or with delayed openings. My personal opinion on THAT? NJ needs to get their shit together and stop becoming so complacent with the fact that we’ve had a few warmer than usual winters. Cold weather happens in this state! Prepare for it! In MY day, we never would have been closed OR delayed for this! And we would still have to go to school if it snowed! Now, I understand that more kids are either on a bus or walk nowadays than they used to, but parents and towns alike should prepare for bad weather and have back up plans, experienced bus drivers, buses equipped for the road conditions, etc. Don’t argue with me, I’m right. That being said, I’m a super cranky being today and I should probably force myself to sleep(thank god for my eye mask, otherwise those babies would be popping open all night, making for an even CRANKIER me tomorrow!). Speaking of presssure(NaBloPoMo theme), which I will write about more in depth when I’m not exhausted and/or a crankpot, now I’m feeling pressure to be well rested and have a productive weekday. Not to mention that fact that I am singing in a local Voice competition this week(mid-week, which means a late night when I have work the next morning! The things we do for our dreams!) AND I’m auditioning for the ACTUAL show, The Voice on Saturday in Philly…and I’ve been sick and have not yet picked a song. So there’s some pressure right there! How bout them apples?! Ok I’m a spaz. Good night, all!

~A

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Sunday Funday… what’s that?

I can’t tell you the last time I partook in a little “Sunday Funday.” I am getting lame in my old age of 30. I wish I could say I even had a lazy Sunday. While I didn’t have to leave the house for any reason, I still had shit to do around the house. And of course, it is now after 11:00pm and I am still awake getting my shit together for work tomorrow when I should be in bed, fast asleep. There is nothing worse than starting off the work week…on a Monday…being utterly exhausted. That being said, this is my blog for the day. Short and boring, I know. I dealt with a lot today in terms of internet bullies and I am just interwebbed OUT! Since I am fairly new to this whole blogging thing, I recently came across the “NaBloPoMo” (National Blog Posting Month… or so I believe). It gives you a theme for the month and you resolve to write everyday and they link your blog with others on a sort of directory and you can go and follow other people and show support. Of course they added my professional blog to it and not this one. A bunch of men are following my professional blog, and trust me, it seriously can’t be of any interest to any of them. Except for the most recent follower. He is quite gorgeous and he can follow anything of mine anytime! Anyway, moving on… This month’s theme is “pressure” and coincidentally this is something I know a lot about. Too much about, as I let pressure consume me sometime. So I can’t wait to have the time to really sit down and think and pour my heart out. That was the purpose of this blog anyway!

 

Nighty night, folks!

 

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Forget regret or life is yours to miss

I try not to live my life with any regrets, but every now and then, one will creep in. I try to learn from experiences and move on, try to believe that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, though, it would just be so much better if some thing had never happened. I came across this article today and it was definitely some food for thought. What do you think YOU will regret?

http://negosentro.com/index.php/negosentro-blogs/37-things-youll-regret-when-youre-old

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